Congratulations are in order, poutine, for you have earned the dubious honor of gracing McDonald’s menus across the great nation of Canada. Formally only available at McDonald’s locations in your home province of Quebec, you will now be available Canada-wide. This makes me wonder, why is McDonald’s short changing us Americans? First Canada got Cadbury Crème Egg McFlurries, then they got vegetarian McWraps, and now McPoutine?! It is simply not fair. But alas, this post is not about McDonald’s. No, this post is about poutine, the best thing to come out of Canada since butter tarts (pecan pie without the pecans? Because fuck pecans).
How can one not love poutine? Comprised of French fries, gravy, and cheese curd, poutine is the wet dream of any drunken asshole at 3 o’clock in the morning. And believe me, I am that drunken asshole. French fries? Have I ever said no to fried potatoes? Gravy? Move aside Bud Light Party Cruise, the gravy boat sounds like the only cruise I would want to go on. What’s that you say? A gravy boat is not an actual boat but merely a means of serving gravy? Doesn’t matter #UpForWhatever. Cheese curds? If they were good enough for Miss Muffet, then they are good enough for me.
You’ve been making commendable inroads into America, poutine; you have your very own festival in the mid-west foodie hub, Chicago. And you were officially a limited edition Jones Soda flavor, along with other delicious notables such as Thanksgiving dinner and the Seattle Seahawks. But I knew you had really come up in the world when the shifty, meat replacing, vegetarians made a vegetarian version of you. Or maybe it was the opposite pinnacle, about as far as one can get from vegetarian, foie gras poutine, which truly demonstrates how far you have really come from your humble origins. Geese are suffering for you, poutine. Geese! The last time I saw geese suffering this badly was in May in Winnipeg when the Canada geese were stomping around in the frozen mud, saying, “I flew back north for this shit?”
Food Beast listed 38 ways to eat you, poutine. 38 ways?! I can name one way to eat you, the best way: with mah mouth! As in, get in mah mouth, poutine! You haven’t made it to my neck of the woods yet, so I have to settle with the frozen poutine from Trader Joe’s. This is how I introduced my husband to the magic that is you. He was enthralled by you, poutine. Or maybe that was just his heart stopping due to your artery clogging deliciousness. Either way, you garnered two thumbs up from my husband, an unhealthy food connoisseur. I’m surprised he hasn’t tried to deep fry a steak yet. But that’s your appeal isn’t it, poutine? You are unabashedly greasy, fried, and salty. You are who you are and you make no false claims or concessions. You are not meant to be a health food. You are meant to be delicious, especially to the refined palate of drunks everywhere. You are fries, gravy, and cheese, which are three of the most delicious foods in the world. Everyone knows that, but especially those crafty Canadians, or should I say Canadiens, for your origins lay in the Francophone province of Quebec.
Kudos to you, poutine! Your success is a well-deserved one. I wish I was licking your sweet sweet gravy from the tips of my fingers. But alas, I am not. Next step: figuring out what in the hell cheese curds are exactly and whether or not I can easily, without too much effort, make them myself so that I can then make my own poutine. I promise you this, poutine, I will keep it real. No foie gras. No vegetable broth gravy. No bacon, Sriracha, or Nutella. No, just pure unadulterated gravy, French fry, cheese curd goodness. Poutine, you are sexiest in your natural state. Or should I say province because you are proudly Canadian. You wear a toque and say zed. Stay true to your roots (get it? Roots is a Canadian clothing brand. I’m ever so cleaver, aren’t I?), poutine and never stop being delicious to drunken assholes such as myself.